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It’s Time to Get Real…

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Real Open:

I am absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, ashamed of myself.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always talked about wanting to be thinner, wanting to feel more confident in myself, wanting to be a better version of myself. I would tell myself that I could do so much more if I could just get skinny, if I could just be thinner. As I was growing up, I thought people were whispering behind my back, talking about me and my weight, making fun of me when they thought I wasn’t looking or listening. And as I got older, and I started packing the weight on more, I grew more paranoid. To this day, the first thought that runs through my mind is that someone’s talking about me or my weight whenever I see someone whispering. Realistically, I know that’s not true. Mentally, that was, and sometimes still is, the only truth. And all of this stems from the self-loathing that has just been bottled up inside of me, unable to come out. And so I ate. I ate to comfort myself. I ate to make the pain go away. I ate to forget. And what limited food I ate, I didn’t eat to live. I lived to eat. There were times when I all I could think about after just having ate a meal was when I would get to eat again and what it would be. It was like a never ending cycle of food. Still is, for the most part. And all I could think to myself was that everything would just get better if I somehow, miraculously, became skinny.

For years upon years, I have let myself down. I put off my skinniness to ‘tomorrow’ after ‘tomorrow’. I tried every diet and would fall off the wagon when things got tough in other aspects of my life. Let’s be real, though. There was a really good period – a period where I stuck to everything I said I wanted to do, and I did it. And that resulted in losing 80 pounds. But, like every other time, I fell apart, unglued at the hinges, and just wasted away. Thankfully, I’ve not gained that 80 pounds back. No, I’ve maintained in this area, feeling the repercussions of my start-again/stop-again focus towards accomplishing my ultimate goal – being thinner, healthier, better. But still, the ultimate let down is letting myself down by falling off the wagon again and again, time after time.

Real Blunt:

I met a man over four years ago, and, at first, I thought he was a creeper. I had just moved in to an apartment with my best friend and her boyfriend, and this guy came over to hang out with my BFF’s boyfriend. I came downstairs to grab my desk chair, and as I was talking to the guys for a moment, he caught my eye, smiled, and patted his lap, as if asking me to come sit down on it. I declined, grabbed my chair, and ran upstairs as fast as I possibly could, immediately sitting down and telling my online friends how absolutely weirded out I had been. The conversation died after some time and we moved on to other topics, but this guy never left my mind. His first impression was a bit of a doozy, for sure, and something I never expected.

But he kept coming over more often, hanging out with us and all of our craziness. We watched movies and had parties, like youngsters typically did, and he was there, mostly to spend time with me. His interest in me made me curious, and by February 7th, 2009, we started dating.

Fast forward to today, and we’re still together. We’ve had our share of ups and downs, highs and lows, just as every couple has. For the most part, we’ve been dating across a mild-distance of about 60-70 miles, and that in itself takes its toll on a person….

Recently, though… He proposed. In front of my parents and his, and a bit more of our families, he asked me to marry him, and I accepted. But, as each day passes and I grow more and more angry with myself for not sticking to my plans, not keeping my focus, I can’t help but ask myself the following: How can I fully dedicate myself to him when I can barely dedicate myself to myself? How can I love him when I don’t truly love myself.

The easy answer is one I’ve given often – I put others before myself, and I always will. My well-being is second rate to everyone else’s. I’m a people-pleaser.

The right answer, however, is simple: I don’t know.

And when I try to think of the answer, I come back to how often I’ve let myself fail. How often I’ve let myself down. I get emotional, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. And I say I’m going to commit to myself, in order to make things better for my relationship.

That question is still something I need to answer before my trip down the aisle in February 2014.

Real Honest:

I need to finish what I started. I need to get back on the wagon and never get off again. I need to realize that its okay to not have a great day, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to give up in every other aspect in my life. I need to learn how to get out and socialize without being paranoid. I need to learn how to just get out in general and go have some fun. I need to learn how to stick to my plan so I can accomplish my goals.

There’s a lot of stuff I need. But, most importantly, I need to remember why I am doing this. What is it that I want?

I want to be happy and healthy.

I want to live to be old.

I want to have kids and grandkids and great-grandkids.

I want to quit buying plus size clothes.

I want to love myself.

All of these will take time, and I fear that will be the hardest thing for me to overcome. But it is something I need to work on. So, I suppose this means I am officially back on the wagon. And let’s try not fall off this time.

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Thank goodness the holidays are over…

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And now I can focus solely on fixing myself and my habits without the distractions of so many get-togethers with family and friends. I realize this shouldn’t be an excuse, I should be better at this by now, but I just haven’t done enough to keep myself from doing the things I know I shouldn’t when we have to go to family gatherings. So, now that we have started the new year, it is time to start fresh and get back into the full swing of things. So, without further ado, I give you my list of resolutions for the year. At the beginning of each month, I’ll comment on the status of each resolution.

Nika’s 2013 Resolutions & Goals: (in no particular order)

  • Lose 100 pounds. (This is 8-1/3 pounds per month, 2.1 pounds per week.)
  • Pay greater than or equal to $1,500 toward my student loans. (Starting with the smaller of the two, which I believe is Nelnet; $1,500 is $125 per month.)
  • Spend more time making or hanging out with friends, while not foresaking my relationship with Tim.
  • Log in to MyFitnessPal for at least 100 consecutive days.
  • Manage a 4.0 GPA for both Spring and Fall Semester this year.
  • Implement my iPad in all of my studies to reduce the use of paper.
  • Miss no more than 4 days of classes for Spring semester.
  • Post at least once per week on this blog.

So, that’s about it, I think. I don’t really have anything else that I can think of to work on right now. I’m sure I’ll end up adding to this list at some point.

Here’s to an amazing 2013.

Fear is part of everything.

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I can’t really remember what my reasons were for not trying to lose weight when I was younger – that all seems like forever ago to me, and sometimes its hard to remember what I did just yesterday. But, from my late teens until now, the biggest excuse to keeping the weight on was, and still is, fear. To this day, I’ve been afraid to be alone, afraid to do anything on my own, and afraid to care for myself alone.

I was raised by a single mom, and I had to go to my dad’s every other weekend per court order, but I didn’t like it there because I didn’t feel like he cared at all for me, that he didn’t want me around because he found something better with his new family. I felt like an outsider there, but with my mom, I felt complete. My mom and I did everything together, and that was my entire world. We were so intertwined in each other’s lives, being without her would make me feel empty. And then, right after we moved and I switched high schools just before my junior year, she reconnected with a man that she had known as a young child, and they started dating. I felt abandoned, scared. I felt like he had taken everything away from me when he started dating her because she wouldn’t pay as much attention to me. I was angry, I got mad. I moved out to go live with a friend and her boyfriend because I felt like I wasn’t wanted, that she would be happier without me. But that didn’t help the void that leaving her created. Nothing did. I was so used to being with her and doing everything with her, nothing felt the same.

To this day, I still haven’t fully gotten used to doing things on my own. I may have my own apartment, my own bills, my own job, my own education, my own car, but doing social things on my own seems like an impossible task that I just can’t conquer. Adding in the fact that I’m not a very big social butterfly, its pretty easy to see why I don’t like to go out and do things on my own.

So, how do I fix this? I grow a pair of balls and get out there. Easier said than done – gaining cajones takes time. So, I’ve decided to start setting weekly goals for myself, starting with this next weigh-in on Wednesday. I’ll set two or three goals, all weight loss related, to accomplish by the next week’s weigh-in. And one of the goals each week must pertain to getting out and being more sociable on my own.

I think that sounds like a pretty decent plan. The first goal related to conquering this fear of doing things on my own will be going to a Zumba class on Thursday and Monday evening.

I Almost Caved In

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And binged… Well, it wouldn’t have been much of a binge. Rather, I would have overeaten. I still would have been within my calorie limit for the day (not by much, mind you). But I stopped myself from doing it, stopped myself from eating that sandwich and opted for just a few raspberries instead. How did I stop myself?

To be honest, I’m not even sure myself. I don’t exactly remember what I was thinking, only that I shouldn’t eat the sandwich, despite how delicious it looked and smelled. So, I put the sandwich in a baggie, and that’s what I’ll have for lunch tomorrow after I get home from the dentist and the gym. That, and some leftover green beans from dinner tonight. I’ve been so in the mood for protein lately – chicken and pork chops that I’ve grilled up on the George Foreman grill. I feel so full (and somehow, on auto pilot, I made a late night sandwich… if you consider 8 PM late night), and still do. Almost like my stomach will explode. Well, not explode. But I do feel really full, so I suppose its a good thing that I’m listening to my body.

Well, now its off to bed so I can get up and get the other half of my deep cleaning done on my teeth. Tomorrow, once the novocaine wears off and I can speak without any sort of a lisp, I’ll do the first Nika Getting Fit video, and I’ll try to form some sort of schedule to abide by for doing those videos.

Good night!

Back at it

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So today was a pretty decent day for me. I had a dentist appointment early in the morning that I went to, and then after that was done I hit the gym for an hour and started my 5K training – which for the first couple of weeks is going to be me walking 3 straight miles and getting used to the distance. Sometime within the first few weeks of the new year, I’ll work on pushing myself and start the actual running bit.

I ate a bit more than I have been lately in terms of food, or at least I feel like I did. I ate back a little bit of my exercise calories, so I’m done eating for the night.

I’ve updated the sidebar widget to reflect the new weigh-in dates, and I’ll be keeping track of the weigh-ins with a graphical chart, and I’ll be posting that regularly.

That’s about all I’ve got. Gonna head to bed here soon. Have a good night everyone.

Disconnected

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Its been a while since I’ve posted here, and mostly because I’ve not been able to truly face myself and post in this blog because I know what I’ve done, and I know that its my own fault for not sticking the plan. My biggest goal was to lose 35 pounds, to be under 300, by the time my 24th birthday hit, and I couldn’t do it. I got lazy. That’s my biggest problem – changing that habit is the hardest of them all. Being more active and less lazy is the hardest thing I have ever had to change in my entire life. If I could embrace being fully active all day, every day, I wouldn’t have this problem. I wouldn’t be where I am now, and I sure as heck wouldn’t have let myself get so far out of control. I would have stopped this long before it got to the point where it hit rock bottom.

And now, as I commit more to my boyfriend and think about how good he’s been to me, how he’s loved me regardless of my weight and my size – how he’s loved me for the person that I am, not the person that I look like – I think about how its not right to commit myself to him, not when I have never been able to fully commit to myself. This guy is someone that I am interested in spending forever with because of how he treats me, how he loves him, and how I feel for him. And somehow, in my head, I feel like I could commit to him because its him and I love him – but that can’t happen. To love another, you must truly love yourself. And I’m not even there yet.

I’ve been thinking about all of this because of the hints he’s been dropping about my Christmas present – or rather, my after Christmas present. It has me extremely suspicious, and it has for a while. So, how is it that I can think about committing to him and yet not to bettering myself, to truly learning to love myself and take care of myself?

The answer is simple – I can’t. I can’t unless I commit to myself – truly commit to learning about my body and taking care of it. To being better to myself emotionally and healing myself physically. I need to learn to do more and sit back less. I want to take myself to the highest of places, and it order to get there, I need to work on myself, because I’m not quite ready for the highest of places yet. Nowhere near it, in fact.

So, here is the game plan – I’m going to start training for a 5K. And I’m going to register for a 5K in May – I think that’s a decent enough time frame to train and get my body used to running a 5K. I’m going to sign up for some exercise classes – even if I have to go on my own – and I’m going to start experiencing things on my own, learning to do new things and meet new people. I’m going to start exploring myself emotionally and physically.

As far as this blog goes, I’m going to keep posting. I’m going to also start a YouTube channel under the same name as this blog (I had a channel under my other name, but I want this to be extremely real and have Nika Getting Fit on it to serve as a reminder of what this all means). I’m going to reset the sidebars and weigh-in tomorrow morning, as well as set weekly goals for myself.

I need to stay focused – mostly because I want to love myself and to better love my future husband, my future kids. And none of that will be possible if I don’t commit now.

Weigh-In Wednesday: The ‘I love Thanksgiving.. At least until the day after Thanksgiving’ Edition

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Let me just start off by saying I wasn’t too incredibly bad. I had three Thanksgivings to attend – my work luncheon, my family’s luncheon, and then my boyfriend’s family’s dinner. And all in all, I tried like hell to keep away from the carbs – I avoided mashed potatoes like the plague, but I couldn’t give up macaroni and cheese. I tried my best to keep away from the desserts too, but that was a battle I knew I would lose. All in all, I gained from the first two luncheons – both of which were prior to last Wednesday (delay in updating the sidebar because of the holiday; delay in blogging due to laziness). But I was determined not to let that happen again. So I hit the gym like a mad woman. And then I had to deal with car issues. But some how, some way, I’ve managed to lose what I had gained back from the first two sittings of Thanksgiving in my world – I’m pretty much back to where I was two weeks ago, and I’m thankful for that.

Now, as far as progress is concerned – by my count, there are exactly 4 Wednesdays left until the end of the year. And I weighed in this morning at 316.6. In order to have lost a total of 100 pounds since starting my journey, I will need to hit 307.9 in four weeks. That means I have exactly 8.7 pounds to lose in 4 weeks, which is about 2.2 pounds per week after rounding (actual number calculated is 2.175). I think this is entirely possible, and then its just a hop, skip, and a jump to being under 300 for the first time in ….. who knows how long.

I hate to make this entry so short, I really do. But I am exhausted. I want nothing more than to sleep. I really need to get my dishes done and my breakfast and lunch made so I won’t have to do it in the morning, so I’m gonna wrap this up here.

I’ll try to post more – something not weight loss related – in the near future.

<3,
Nika